I want to unsubscribe from the Skynet Judgement Day.

So, this one group, CPA Communications, has repeatedly emailed me.  I've kindly asked them, a number of times, to take me of their email list. And they would say, we'll take care of it, and then a few months later, bam, another email out of the blue.

At first, I thought this was Certified Public Accountant stuff, but they're writing about kids, and games and all this crap.  Turns out it's for a Christ Presbyterian Church out in Nashville.  How I got on the list to begin with?  Dunno, but last week, I kinda flipped my shit when I got ANOTHER email from them.

Fair warning kids, it's got some colorful language. I mean, if you have delicate sensibilities, I'd think about skipping my first email.  I figured it was the only way to get their attention.

from  CPA Communications to  One of ther versions of my email address that google provides date  Fri, May 27, 2011 at 4:22 PM subject  This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Dear CPA Community,

Today we cap off the school year with a special edition of This Summer @ CPA. One more CPA Roundup will follow on Tuesday. After that, we will distribute two editions of This Summer @ CPA -- one in mid-June, one in mid-July -- before returning to our regular weekly schedule in August.

Please visit THIS LINK to see the current edition, or scroll down in this email to view the text-only version.

NOTE: Congratulations to our girls tennis team and to our boys and girls track athletes for bringing home several STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS! Read all about it in this issue. 

Blessings,

Your CPA Office of Communications 

Our Mission
The mission of Christ Presbyterian Academy, as an educational ministry of Christ Presbyterian Church, is to assist Christian families in helping students come to know God, evaluate all knowledge and all life by His truth, and live transformed by His truth for His glory.

Our Motto

Soli Deo Gloria — To God Alone Be the Glory

Now, at this point, I'm truncating the email, because it goes on for another year and a half.  It's a mini novel, I swear...

from    Sean Jackson to   CPA Communications date  Fri, May 27, 2011 at 7:25 PM subject  Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Seriously? You are fuckity shitity kidding me. How many cunting times do I have to tell you to unsubscribe me. I'm tired of being nice.  Now you're just being assholes.

I won't be THIS nice anymore. It only get worse if I get one more titty pissfilled cumguzzling email from this address.

-- Sean Jackson

See, I warned you.

from    CPA Communications to    Sean Jackson date    Fri, May 27, 2011 at 7:43 PM subject    Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Classy, thanks. We are sincerely sorry. We have tried to find and remove this email address, and we will try again. There is no attempt to sneakily send you messages in which you clearly have zero interest, let us assure you.  

Well, as long as they're sorry, that makes everything ok, I guess.

from   Sean Jackson to   CPA Communications date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 8:04 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Classy? This coming from an orginization that had aprently forgotten they ancient and time tested formula of searching a database for an email address and deleting it?

I remeember when Judgement Day happened. Skynet decided that mankind was the detrius of the world. That it would be better if we were wiped clean and Gaia were left with the metal. And the oil. And the clanking.  I would cower under rubble. Crying myself to sleep, praying to whatever God would accept my prayers. Just let me live, let me destroy these shadows of men we called Terminators so that I can see the green that was told of old.

After years of pain, blood, death and life, we inched our way to Skynet. I lost friends, lovers and my Husband Trevor. But I refused to quit. I would end this crushing war.  As we blasted, shot and clawed our way to Skynet's heart, it's soul if you will, I could only weep for those who paid the ultimate price. Tasting Trevors last kiss on my lips, his last breath I'm my chest, I swore I would not fail his last words.

My right arm ruined, an eye gone to flame, we burst through, penetrating the walls of Skynet's innermost defenses, I caught glimpse of my final, and most likely funerial target... That one, untouched terminal.  If I make that, Skynet would lose. John Connor would be safe. Sarah Connor would never know the terror, the horror, the unending preparation, the looks over her shoulder. IT WOULD END.

As it crawled, coughing blood and what i'm sure was lungmeat, I slowly pulled myself up to that terminal, through bloodsoaked eyes and crushed fingers, I was able to type, 'UNSUBSCRIBE THE VERSION OF MY EMAIL ADDRESS THEY KEEP SENDING UNWANTED EMAIL TO.'

More Terminators crashed in the room, an unending wave of metal and cold indeference. I was able to pound 'Enter' before their seemingly infinite ammo found its way to my all to frail flesh. But I had won. I had unsubscribed.

And yet THAT seems like a Shakespearian love sonnet compared to trying to get off this fucking email list.

from   CPA Communications to   Sean Jackson date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 8:10 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Very entertaining, thanks. Makes me want to go back and watch T-Judgment Day again. What's intriguing is that the address you typed at Skynet lacked a period between sean and jackson. Was that a typo caused by the flow of blood down your forehead into your eyes? Are we trying to say Hasta la vista to 'THE PRIMARY ADDRESS I USE FOR MY GMAIL'?  

I think I have already explained to these jagoff's how gmail names work, but fuckit, here we go again.

from   Sean Jackson to   CPA Communications date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 8:19 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

As we searched the database for the origins of Skynet, we were able to dig deep, trying to find some sort of rootsy we found oldtek that amazed us. It as almost as if someone had already spread a message:

GOOGLE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT PUNCIATION. (at this point, I provide about 4 different variations of my email address to give examples of how they're all going to me) = every combo of periods in a name.

With a sound like metal grinding on flesh, tender, tender baby flesh, we heard a noise like 'google gmail addresses and periods for yourself'.

And we did. And we wept from the blinding glory.

Now, get to work, a little 5 pound, cat o nine tails wielding baby Jesus screamed. That's 'Hay-seuse'. Jesus don't dirty his hands with the busy work. 

At this point, I was kinda over it, but I got one reply back.  I hope that this has finally been resolved, but we'll see...

from   CPA Communications to   Sean Jackson date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 10:43 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

You've got quite the literary flair. Thanks. Is this actually Stephen King using the pen name "Sean Jackson"?