I'm an animal lover

I think I'm going to let this one speak for itself. Just remember, at no point do I ever claim to be anyone else. I've even got links in my sig I don't remove. It's as if they are willfully ignorant.

------------------

From: Bonnie Wolf
To: Me
Date: Wed, Jun 15, 2011 at 7:56 PM
subject: the crazy cat story

Sean,

I worked a mid and then was off for two days after that, so when i got home from the mid i went and mowed my yard so i would not have to mow in the dreadful heat. So from Saturday to Monday my car did not move from the driveway. On Sunday I took a full day of rest. Charlie and Mitty Moo are having so much fun playing :) BUT..... Charlie is in HEAT.....lol.....lol....So her and Mitty Moo roll around playing all over the house. Charlie screams like a woman in labor .....lol.....lol....So during my day of rest I just turned up the volume of the TV and ignored the two cats.

My neighbor text me concerned that they had not seen me outside for two days. It was not until the 3rd day that I realized why he text me?

I spoke to him Monday when checking my mail and he had a huge shit eating grin on his face. He ask again if I was ok, I said yes and he started laughing :) He said they were setting on the porch listening to alot of screaming and thumping...lol......lol....It was Charlie and Mitty Moo ......CHARLIE SCREAMING AND HER AND MITTY MOO ROLLING AROND THUMPING AGAINST THE FRONT DOOR. ...................................AND THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD THOUGHT I WAS HAVING SOME WILD FUN................LOL.............LOL



from: Me
to: Bonnie Wolf
date: Thu, Jun 16, 2011 at 12:25 PM

subject: Re: the crazy cat story

Wait, so you did or did not fuck the cat?

-- Sean Jackson
http://www.twitter.com/seanjackson
http://www.flickr.com/photos/seanjackson/
http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=gilada



from: Bonnie Wolf

to: Me

date: Thu, Jun 16, 2011 at 6:03 PM

subject: re: the crazy cat story

I DID NOT BUT THE NEIGHBORS THOUGHT I WAS HAVING WILD SEX WITH SOMEONE LOL...



from: Me

to: Bonnie Wolfe

date: Mon, Jun 20, 2011 at 3:50 PM

subject: Re: the crazy cat story

On your recommendation, I've spent the week trying to have sex with the neighborhood cats. I don't know if it's the fact that their feral or not, but they do not seem to enjoy my advances. I've had several lacerations on my penis. Doesn't matter if they're male or female. There's one, who I've named Rocky, who has a particular habit for nailing my testicles over and over. I think he think's it's a speed bag.

I did have a little bit of success sprinkling cat nip on my member, but that seems to just get them more worked up after about ten minutes.

It's been very interesting having to explain these injuries to the local vet, as they don't seem to think that it's their job to treat me. I figure a wound from an animal would be best treated by a vet. They, and the local police, seem to disagree.

I look forward to seeing you at my court appearance, and if you could lend me some bail money, and one of your cats, I would truly appreciate it.


from: Bonnie Wolf
to: Me
date: Mon, Jun 20, 2011 at 10:21 PM
subject: Re: the crazy cat story

OH I NEEDED THAT LAUGH..............ANN MARIE IS GOING TO WALK AGAIN ON WEDNESDAY AND EVERYONE IS GOING NUTS................YOU MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD ...............I COULD NOT BREATH..................LOL....LOL..

SO WHERE ARE YOU WORKING IN YOUR NEW STORE?


from: Me

to: Bonnie Wolfe

date: Tue, Jun 21, 2011 at 3:05 PM

subject: Re: the crazy cat story

I'm working in the animal husbandry section. It's there that we're paid to 'stimulate' the animal until they 'release'.

Now, after this last week, I'm a little jumpy, as could be expected. But I find that when it's the filthy beasts being pleasured, rather than me, they are very accommodating. That's when I can get in and really do the business that, quite honestly, we're all there to enjoy.

The hard part is getting the little mice ready. You've got to have tweezers, a set of jewelers glasses and a steady hand. I find that a little Barry Manilow, Air Supply and some Bacardi Breeze Coolers sets the proper mood.

------------------

Nothing back after that.  I think she hates animals.

I want to unsubscribe from the Skynet Judgement Day.

So, this one group, CPA Communications, has repeatedly emailed me.  I've kindly asked them, a number of times, to take me of their email list. And they would say, we'll take care of it, and then a few months later, bam, another email out of the blue.

At first, I thought this was Certified Public Accountant stuff, but they're writing about kids, and games and all this crap.  Turns out it's for a Christ Presbyterian Church out in Nashville.  How I got on the list to begin with?  Dunno, but last week, I kinda flipped my shit when I got ANOTHER email from them.

Fair warning kids, it's got some colorful language. I mean, if you have delicate sensibilities, I'd think about skipping my first email.  I figured it was the only way to get their attention.

from  CPA Communications to  One of ther versions of my email address that google provides date  Fri, May 27, 2011 at 4:22 PM subject  This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Dear CPA Community,

Today we cap off the school year with a special edition of This Summer @ CPA. One more CPA Roundup will follow on Tuesday. After that, we will distribute two editions of This Summer @ CPA -- one in mid-June, one in mid-July -- before returning to our regular weekly schedule in August.

Please visit THIS LINK to see the current edition, or scroll down in this email to view the text-only version.

NOTE: Congratulations to our girls tennis team and to our boys and girls track athletes for bringing home several STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS! Read all about it in this issue. 

Blessings,

Your CPA Office of Communications 

Our Mission
The mission of Christ Presbyterian Academy, as an educational ministry of Christ Presbyterian Church, is to assist Christian families in helping students come to know God, evaluate all knowledge and all life by His truth, and live transformed by His truth for His glory.

Our Motto

Soli Deo Gloria — To God Alone Be the Glory

Now, at this point, I'm truncating the email, because it goes on for another year and a half.  It's a mini novel, I swear...

from    Sean Jackson to   CPA Communications date  Fri, May 27, 2011 at 7:25 PM subject  Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Seriously? You are fuckity shitity kidding me. How many cunting times do I have to tell you to unsubscribe me. I'm tired of being nice.  Now you're just being assholes.

I won't be THIS nice anymore. It only get worse if I get one more titty pissfilled cumguzzling email from this address.

-- Sean Jackson

See, I warned you.

from    CPA Communications to    Sean Jackson date    Fri, May 27, 2011 at 7:43 PM subject    Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Classy, thanks. We are sincerely sorry. We have tried to find and remove this email address, and we will try again. There is no attempt to sneakily send you messages in which you clearly have zero interest, let us assure you.  

Well, as long as they're sorry, that makes everything ok, I guess.

from   Sean Jackson to   CPA Communications date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 8:04 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Classy? This coming from an orginization that had aprently forgotten they ancient and time tested formula of searching a database for an email address and deleting it?

I remeember when Judgement Day happened. Skynet decided that mankind was the detrius of the world. That it would be better if we were wiped clean and Gaia were left with the metal. And the oil. And the clanking.  I would cower under rubble. Crying myself to sleep, praying to whatever God would accept my prayers. Just let me live, let me destroy these shadows of men we called Terminators so that I can see the green that was told of old.

After years of pain, blood, death and life, we inched our way to Skynet. I lost friends, lovers and my Husband Trevor. But I refused to quit. I would end this crushing war.  As we blasted, shot and clawed our way to Skynet's heart, it's soul if you will, I could only weep for those who paid the ultimate price. Tasting Trevors last kiss on my lips, his last breath I'm my chest, I swore I would not fail his last words.

My right arm ruined, an eye gone to flame, we burst through, penetrating the walls of Skynet's innermost defenses, I caught glimpse of my final, and most likely funerial target... That one, untouched terminal.  If I make that, Skynet would lose. John Connor would be safe. Sarah Connor would never know the terror, the horror, the unending preparation, the looks over her shoulder. IT WOULD END.

As it crawled, coughing blood and what i'm sure was lungmeat, I slowly pulled myself up to that terminal, through bloodsoaked eyes and crushed fingers, I was able to type, 'UNSUBSCRIBE THE VERSION OF MY EMAIL ADDRESS THEY KEEP SENDING UNWANTED EMAIL TO.'

More Terminators crashed in the room, an unending wave of metal and cold indeference. I was able to pound 'Enter' before their seemingly infinite ammo found its way to my all to frail flesh. But I had won. I had unsubscribed.

And yet THAT seems like a Shakespearian love sonnet compared to trying to get off this fucking email list.

from   CPA Communications to   Sean Jackson date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 8:10 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

Very entertaining, thanks. Makes me want to go back and watch T-Judgment Day again. What's intriguing is that the address you typed at Skynet lacked a period between sean and jackson. Was that a typo caused by the flow of blood down your forehead into your eyes? Are we trying to say Hasta la vista to 'THE PRIMARY ADDRESS I USE FOR MY GMAIL'?  

I think I have already explained to these jagoff's how gmail names work, but fuckit, here we go again.

from   Sean Jackson to   CPA Communications date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 8:19 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

As we searched the database for the origins of Skynet, we were able to dig deep, trying to find some sort of rootsy we found oldtek that amazed us. It as almost as if someone had already spread a message:

GOOGLE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT PUNCIATION. (at this point, I provide about 4 different variations of my email address to give examples of how they're all going to me) = every combo of periods in a name.

With a sound like metal grinding on flesh, tender, tender baby flesh, we heard a noise like 'google gmail addresses and periods for yourself'.

And we did. And we wept from the blinding glory.

Now, get to work, a little 5 pound, cat o nine tails wielding baby Jesus screamed. That's 'Hay-seuse'. Jesus don't dirty his hands with the busy work. 

At this point, I was kinda over it, but I got one reply back.  I hope that this has finally been resolved, but we'll see...

from   CPA Communications to   Sean Jackson date   Fri, May 27, 2011 at 10:43 PM subject   Re: This Summer @ CPA (May 30 - June 14, 2011)

You've got quite the literary flair. Thanks. Is this actually Stephen King using the pen name "Sean Jackson"? 

Monitor Duty

So I guess other Sean is in need of some monitors.  I really wonder what he does sometimes.

Samsung Monitors

Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>          Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 5:27 PM

To: "Me

Good Afternoon

Thank you for speaking with me today. I should have a quote for the Samsung  monitors pn#460UTN by tomorrow morning. Please let me know if you have any questions or require additional information. Thank you!

Kyra Reinhold | Public Sector Bid Desk Sales

Small GSA Contract holder

Technology Integration Group

And then a bunch of contact info

I decided, I’m going full bore on this one, we’ll just see how far it goes.

Samsung Monitors

Sean Jackson   Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 11:21 AM

To: Kyra Reinhold ****@tig.com

So what's the 411 on this?  I've got Monitors, Anit-Monitors and Guardians (of the globe AND universe) that I'm waiting to take care of.

--

Sean Jackson

Then I get 2 emails in a row.

Samsung Monitors

Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>          Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 11:35 AM

To: Me

Good Afternoon

On behalf of Technology Integration Group, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to compete for your business. 

Blah blah blah, form letter, form letter, form letter.

Best,

Kyra

And then there’s a PDF attached with a quote.  Long story short, it’s for:

SAMSUNG : TFT active matrix - 46 Inch - 1366 x 768 - 3000:1 – 8 (yes, 8 of them)

Open Market

Each monitor runs, well, it’s more than 5 grand, less than 6, and closer to 5,848.43

Yes, a grand total of 52,635.87.

Samsung Monitors

Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>          Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 12:04 PM

To: Me

Mr. Jackson

Let me know how the quote looks and if there is anything else you need from me. Thank you!

Kyra Reinhold | Public Sector Bid Desk Sales

So, I’ve decided that most things at this point will be complete non sequiturs. 

Samsung Monitors

Sean Jackson   Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 1:39 PM

To: Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>

I need to know if you'll have the jade monkey by the next full moon.

Her reply

Samsung Monitors

Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>          Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 1:49 PM

To: Sean Jackson

Not sure what your requesting here…..I sent a quote an hour ago.

Kyra Reinhold | Public Sector Bid Desk Sales

So, if I’m going to act like a jerk, I might as well quote from The Jerk.

Samsung Monitors

Sean Jackson   Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 1:52 PM

To: Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>

Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.

[picks up an ashtray]

And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.

The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.

And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.

I don't need my dog.

Thank you IMDB.

Now, I don’t know if she didn’t read this, or if emails crossed in the ether, but she’s surprisingly unphased by my previous email.

Samsung Monitors

Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>          Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 1:58 PM

To: Sean Jackson

Mr. Jackson

Sorry one more thing…..Samsung is wondering what your planning on doing with the TV’s you are buying and if you require digital signage software?  Let me know if you require any additional information or if there are any questions I can answer for you.

Kyra Reinhold | Public Sector Bid Desk Sales

And I think this is where I killed the bit.

Samsung Monitors

Sean Jackson   Tue, Aug 24, 2010 at 2:25 PM

To: Kyra Reinhold <****@tig.com>

I plan on making an invincible army of hybrid monitor/ape warriors.

Barring that, a vincinble army will have to do.

And if not that, I'm just gonna go to a zoo and feed the monkeys.

 After that, I've not heard back.  My army would have been glorious.  GLORIOUS I SAY!

In which I advocate the alcoholization of children

Before we begin, I have teh interwebs to thank for the following definitions:
Whānau is a Māori-language word for extended family, now increasingly entering New Zealand English, particularly in official publications.
In Māori, it also has other meanings: as a verb meaning to give birth or genus.

Munting, well, this one's gonna set my wife off.  JJ and those of you with delicate sensibilities, skip this, for your own sanity:
A variation of necrophilia involving two live people and one dead (male or female) To munt; Find and dig up a semi-decomposed corpse, One person then goes down on said corpse whilst the other jumps on the dead persons stomach - causing the juices (decomposed organs etc.) to be forced from all orifices, These are then drank by the person orally connected to the corspe.


Ok, you can start reading again.

I must say, other Sean and Richard must have a special relationship

Subject: How's the whanau?
Richard Atkins <****@rolfe-judd.co.uk>     Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 10:15 AM
To: Me

Did you get my text? Have I offended you? Have you turned off your roaming? Whatev's.

r.

Rolfe Judd
Old Church Court
Claylands Road
The Oval
London SW8 1NZ
PH +44 (0)20 ***
FX +44 (0)20 ***
http://www.rolfe-judd.co.uk/

This E-mail from Rolfe Judd Ltd. is intended solely for the person to whom it is addressed. It may contain confidential or privileged information. If received in error, please notify us by return and destroy the transmission. Do not copy, distribute or take any action in reliance on it.

If it is not your or your employers policy to communicate by the receipt of e-mails of this kind then please notify us immediately. This email message has been swept for the presence of computer viruses.

Sean Jackson      Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 2:45 PM
To: Richard Atkins <***@rolfe-judd.co.uk>
No, you've not offended me.  I am made of sterner stuff than that.

Short in stature, tall in power, narrow of purpose and wide of vision and all that jazz.

Now, what's the happy hap?

Richard Atkins <****@rolfe-judd.co.uk>     Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 3:37 AM
To: Me
All quiet. Matt's repaired his most recent munting. the fixie is at the frame builders. we had ribs at the weekend.

mark Cavendish actually is the fastest man on two wheels.... oh and I'd like some glasses, if it's no trouble.
Did you understand my textual instructions? I stress that under no circumstances should you go out of your way. If

you'd prefer, I can give you an advance.

r.

Sean Jackson      Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 8:50 AM
To: Richard Atkins <****@rolfe-judd.co.uk>
I think we all know that Evel Knievel is the fastest man on two wheels.  It's a scientific fact.

Now, glasses, are we looking at reading or drinking.  I think I can make either of them work, but obviously you'll get more liquid into a drinking glass, while with reading, you're just going to be slurping the booze off the surface.

I think I understood your textual instructions, but I prefer to talk about your contextual instructions.

So, deep down, why do you want this?

Why is it necessary?

And if you're driving down the highway in a canoe and one of your square wheels falls off, how many pancakes can fit on the side of a doghouse?

That's a trick question.  Ice cream doesn't have hair.  I know, I know, we discussed no more tricks, after your last violent outburst, but I couldn't resits.

Richard Atkins <***@rolfe-judd.co.uk>     Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 9:18 AM
To: Me
There are two possibilities here. Either you are hiding in the den, avoiding parent time by penning overly-long emails, or you are hiding in the den drinking blue label penning overly-long emails. I have my money on the former simply because even spell-checker isn't good enough to disguise drunken typing. But to answer your most important question, why? because shaz said i could, and you have to grab these opportunities with both hands when they present themselves (that is not a euphemism, I'm still talking about sunglasses). r.
http://www.oakley.com/pd/6453

Sean Jackson      Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 9:31 AM
To: Richard Atkins <****@rolfe-judd.co.uk>
Ok, but those glasses aren't going to hold much blue label and it'll be a messy drink, but that's your call.

I was discussing with the fonz the other day the practicalities of drinking and parenting.  And quite honestly, the two go hand in hand.  If you get your kids drunk enough, you don't have to do much parenting.  I find if you get them to about a .04, everything else takes care of itself.

Sometimes they protest, but if you hold them down long enough, they take it like a man.  Even if they're a girl.

And with that, I've not gotten any further correspondence.  I wonder if he's actually called the other Sean to ask what in the hell he's doing to his children.

Time to brush up on my brokerese

My wife JJ helped me out with this one.

I think I need to learn to slow play these people more.

Leonard Battifarano <*****@brokerslink.org>	Fri, Jul 16, 2010 at 2:46 PM
To: Me
Sensitivity: Private Dear Sean, I am writing to you after speaking with Jamie earlier this week. Do you have time on either Monday or Tuesday afternoon at 3 PM to talk? I look forward to your advice and the discussing how you and Brokerslink might work together My very best, len Mr. Len Battifarano CEO, Brokerslink Look, I'm sure you can find their address if you really want to tel no 212 ***-****

To which I reply:

From: "Sean Jackson"

Date: Sat, 17 Jul 2010 10:27:07 -0500

To: Leonard Battifarano<****@brokerslink.org>;

ReplyTo: "Sean Jackson"

Subject: Re: FW: Phone Call

Leo,

I'm sorry, Monday's no good for me, as I've got a trip to Canada on Tuesday, and I've got to get components for a bong (I hear it's legal there).

Tuesday, I'll be in meetings and baked off my rear all day.

Wednesday, come on, it's hump day, who wants to make a bullshit call then?

Thursday is right out. It's MUST SEE TV night.

Friday, are you serious. End of the week, I'm already checked out mentally.

Let's shoot for sometime in No Shave November.

Best

Sean.

And I get this pitiful response.  It's like they don't want me to consult for them or something.

battifarano@brokerslink.org <****@brokerslink.org>	Sat, Jul 17, 2010 at 12:11 PM
Reply-To: ****@brokerslink.org To: Sean Jackso
Nice answer.....Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

So I guess I'm not going to Canada

I wonder how they cracked the code:

From:Me
Sent: Thursday, July 15, 2010 8:43 AM
To: jrodrigo@***.com
Cc: seanjackson@***.com; Murphy, Paul - CAN CAL
Subject: Re: Calgary Itinerary - July 19/20

Wowowewow.  I'm going to Canada?  I need to brush up on my Canadianese I guess.  Weed's legal in Canada right?

jrodrigo@****com	Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 9:45 AM
To: ****@gmail.com, jrodrigo@***.com Cc: ****@gmail.com, pmurphy@***.com
It's actually mandatory in some parts....unfortunately, not in Calgary.

Sean Jackson <****@gmail.com>	Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 10:08 AM
To: jrodrigo@****.com Cc: pmurphy@****.com
Awesome. I'm expecting to be met at the airport by a harem of women in a Princess Leia outfit.  Not the slave girl, that's so over played.  I'm thinking the long robe-y thing from Empire Strikes back.  With the two braided loops on the back.  But feel free to go crazy. Also, since I'm out of the country then, I think I should go crazy, broadway style.  And bumfights.  As in, I need to fight a bum.  I'm not inhuman, I'll pay him for his time, and I'll get him a fresh bindle. Wait, that's for hobos.  Throw one of those in, and you've got yourself a stew.  A human stew.  And now my stomach is growling.  Off to enjoy some of that delicious man meat. The contents of this e-mail as received may not be a complete or accurate version of reality in any way, shape or form, as I might have used a Cosmic Cube last week. If you consider that the contents are material to the formation of a contract or you are otherwise relying upon its accuracy, hooo boy, have you got bigger problems. The information in this e-mail is mine, MINE ALL MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT, EVEN IF YOU ASK NICE. If you are not the intended recipient, then why did I send this to you? I'm so tired.  Doctor, please bring me my meds, the carpet is talking to me again.  And quite frankly, I'm sick of her use of double negatives and all those freaking dangling participles.

jrodrigo@****.com	Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 10:26 AM
To: Me
I clearly have the wrong email address. Thanks for the entertainment though...

Sean Jackson	Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 10:35 AM
To: jrodrigo@****.com
But I want to go to Canada. Shoot.

Guess who's going to Canada! Not me!

Right about when I start to think that maybe I made this blog prematurely, maybe I'm not going to get any more emails, BAM.  If this is the accuracy of the company, I don't know if I want to work for them.

Calgary Itinerary - July 19/20

---

jrodrigo@****.com	Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 9:27 AM
To: Me Cc: pmurphy@***.com
<>     Good morning Mr. Jackson, Please find attached your itinerary for your trip to Calgary on July 19th and 20th.  We have also booked you into the Hotel Arts for the night of July 19th.  Please note that this hotel is located a half block from the office for your convenience. Please review the attached and if you have any questions or concerns, do not hesitate to contact me. Regards, Juli Juli C. Rodrigo, Office Services Jardine Lloyd Thompson Canada Inc. ADDRESS REMOVED Direct: 403 537 - **** Mobile: 403 612 - **** Fax: 403 264 - **** email: jrodrigo@****.com